Recess

My pastor spoke last week about recess. He said that life is too short to skip recess. His comments were that we make ourselves so busy that we don't slow down to enjoy life. He challenged us to protect the sabbath day that God gives us. You have to understand that God had been hitting my heart with this problem of business for a about a month. My life had become consumed with stuff. I had been running on my own strength, forsaking my first love, Jesus. That afternoon I got on a motorcycle and rode about 200 miles in the blistering cold to have my recess. I left it still feeling empty though.

The next day in staff meeting we watched this video of Wayne Cordeiro talking about his bout with burnout. He went to the extent of checking himself into a monastery to overcome this problem of business in his life. By this point, I am pulling what little hair I have left out screaming "I get it God, I'll slow down. " At this point I approach my Senior Pastor, who is more like a father to me, and I tell him that I need some time off. I explained all of what I was going through and he agreed to allow me to have the weekend off.

So I'm set, I have three days to relax and chill, three days to ask God what was going on inside of me. My plan was to get on a motorcycle and just ride. I would stop in Jersey to visit a friend but aside from that I would ride, go to the beach and talk to God. You see, for me riding and seeing large bodies of water get me to a place where my mind is clear and I feel free. It's during those times that I experience deep, intimate times with God.

So now it's wednesday. I am psyched to be able to get away in two days. I have pastor dan's blessing and stac gave me his blessing. I feel God is giving me a green light then WHAM! I get kicked in the leg by one of my students. In come the hospitals, cat scans, Oxycotin and Percocet. It's now the following wednesday. I've been out of my bed once to fill a perscription for more Percocet, which I hate by the way. The feeling it gives me is too much of a reminder of my past. Not good...

What have I learned through all of this? Percocet and Jelly Bellies don't mix! You can't enjoy the flavor of a good Jelly Belly in the drug induced haze of that evil drug. In all seriousness, I have learned some very deep lessons. From the beginning of all this I prayed that God would open my eyes and ears to teach me what I needed to be taught. As I was getting the x-rays for my leg done, I cried. I cried some for the pain but mostly because it was then that I submitted myself to what God wanted to teach me through this. I think I cried out of fear of seeing something in me that I hate. Fear of the unknown is powerful force...

One major thing I learned is that I have some amazing friends. God has blessed me so much. My first visitor(s) was a family I have been counseling. I have been working very closely with them and it has built an excellent relationship. They brought me a card and a plate of cookies. I was floored! I had another friend come by and bring me a card and some "jelly belly" jelly beans. She has been awesome in getting me out of some funks this past week. Another friend brought me lunch one day and my roommates have been very gracious in all their help. I really have an awesome group of friends. Looking back at past groups of people that I associated with makes me realize how much I've changed in how I choose and pursue friendships.

It was apparent to me that God had other plans for my time off when I was laid out like this. I feel it needed to happen though. What I am realizing is that pride crept back into me. Being laid out made me realize how unimportant I am in the scope of things. Life will go on if Randy isn't there. In my mind I think, "if I don't do this or if I'm not there..." That's when the stuff starts to pile up and I start to get so busy. Do you notice all the "I" statements. I don't think I ever left room for God in all this. It's been on Randy's strength. I must do this, I must do that, if I'm not there... SO WHAT! Am I that arrogant to think I'm that important? What a pompous nut!

Where do I turn? What do I do next? I think Stac said it best to me, "Relax and be yourself." I try so hard to put this mask on like I know everything. It overwhelms me because truth is, I don't know hardly anything. Big surprise there! I put on this mask and automatically start to rely on what I think I know and totally bypass reliance on the One who knows it all and can carry me through it. I don't think I'll ever understand why He is so patient with me. Maybe I'm not ever supposed to fully understand His Grace? Do you?