Loneliness

Did you ever get chastised by God? I did this morning. It's not the first time and I'm sure it won't be the last but this time it hit home for me more than most. I went out with this girl last night. She is absolutely gorgeous and has a personality that I just adore. The more I get to know her, the more I like what I see. We ended up back at my place watching a movie on the couch. I sat for hours holding this women in my arms. The feeling was foreign to me. I haven't been that close to a women in a very long time. It felt so good though. Now, before you go off and think that I am way out of pocket ("out of line" for you that don't know Ebonics) please know that nothing happened that I wouldn't want Jesus to see. My thoughts weren't impure. It was, however, one of those 1st Corinthians 10:23 times. "All things are lawful but all things are not profitable; all things are lawful, yet all things do not edify." If I sinned it was in that, I was compromising my faith and trust in Him, settling for less than what He wanted for me at the time. I won't lie to you, apart of me didn't care. That sounds so horrible, I know. I'm supposed to be the good youth worker. One friend of mine calls me a professional Christian. I represent CHRIST HIMSELF as one of the leaders of the body... Yet I am so tired of being alone and it felt so good to have someone there. I knew the flesh couldn't fulfill the deep longing desires in my heart, only God could. However, I was willing to let my guard down to have a short time of what seemed to be peace and comfort. So when God lead me to Jeremiah 17:5-10 this morning, I wasn't surprised. I wasn't looking for it, but I wasn't surprised. "Cursed is the one who trusts in man, who depends on flesh for his strength and who's heart turns away from the Lord. He will be like a bush in the wastelands; he will not see prosperity when it comes. He will dwell in the parched places of the desert, in a salt land where no one lives." Isn't that what happens though? When we seek fulfillment outside of Him we are still left thirsty and parched.

Why do I feel alone? Could it be that I negate to fill my tank with the one thing that will bring lasting fulfillment? Yeah, that's got to be it. I've mentioned it before, the fear of the unknown... I don't know what it looks like to trust Him, to let Him fill me and I'm afraid. I have always been so egotistical and prideful, trusting in my own strength and ability. What happens when you realize that is worthless? I'll tell you what happens. You end up where I am now, struggling to figure out how to let God take the reigns, still fighting 'cause you think you have some value in the 2 cents you have, when the truth is you don't and you know it!

I cried this morning as I prayed and read the rest of this verse. "Blessed is the man who puts his trust in the Lord, whose confidence is in Him. He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out it's roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; it's leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit. The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it? I the Lord search the heart and examine the mind, to reward a man according to his conduct, according to what his deeds deserve." I was in tears as I begged God to make me into this man telling Him that I didn't care what He had to do to make me like this man, just do it. What I'm realizing though is that I have some of the responsibility to allow Him to make these changes. I need to seek Him unlike I ever have before. What I'm realizing is that I'm not tired of loneliness, I'm tired of being thirsty for more of Jesus.

The truth is that every time I allow Him to be the lover of my soul, He fills me more than I can ever want and I am left with my thirst quenched. No person can ever do that! This is a tough road. Its one that I really don't want to be on, but I have to yield to God in this as much as it sucks to do that. The fire is hot, yet I trust that His desired outcome is better than anything I can ever dream. I am reminded of one of my favorite verses, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your understanding, in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight." Teach me to do this Lord.

Thank you for listening and please pray for me

War

When I was younger, I used to think that war was cool. I guess I never really stopped to think about the fact that real peoples lives were at stake. Kind of a no brainer, isn't it? But think about it, in America, we are so far removed from the wars in this world, that in a sense, we are shielded from the reality of it. Personally I don't think our government does a very good job at telling us the whole truth about things. To me it seems jaded. I feel they try to make the situation seem better than it really is. I often think that Clinton got the short end of the stick in his "situation" we shall call it. Think about it though... What makes him outright lying any different than any other president spoon feeding us a bunch of half truths and what we call "white lies"? I don't see a difference. At least, in the end, Clinton admitted he was wrong for lying. Most other politicians just keep right on feeding us half truths until their tenure is up and we call them good Americans for their faithful service to our country. I sometimes think that I'm the only Christian who doesn't support Bush. Don't get me wrong... I voted for the man the first time and I would have voted again for him had I not been pre-disposed. I feel he made the right decision in taking Saddam out of power. I just wish he wouldn't have lied about why he did it. WMD? Yeah! Anyway you cut that you can't get around the fact that he lied. I've heard so many Christians try to defend him on this. I don't get it! Are those people that blind? I don't know why as Christians we think we have to back this man in everything he does. Sure, he professes Christ. I do too, but that doesn't stop me from being fallible and making mistakes everyday. I'm tired of getting prayer request emails about troops that are told to call their families before a mission because they might not make it back. It's not that I don't like praying. I pray every time and with more urgency in these cases. It's just that I think we have a higher responsibility to ask why are we putting our young men and women in these positions. I work with kids everyday who suffer, and I mean suffer, from not having a father or mother. The impact it has on them is way too much for any kid to have to bear. Why are we choosing to foster this issue of fatherless-ness and motherless-ness further? I understand that something needs to be done and I will be the first to admit that I don't have the answers to these problems. All I see is another generation of young men and women that may grow up without a father or mother and we are choosing to look past that for "the good of our country"... Personally, I think a generation of kids who have both parents pouring into them would be better for our country than this war. To all you soldiers who are covering my six. Thank you. My respect and admiration for you is off the charts. Please, do what you can to come home safe. Your country's success depends on it.

Family Ties

Did you ever stop to think about family? My sister sent me an e-card today. She does this often but this one hit home. The card said, "We don't have to live under the same roof to love each other just as much as always..." It went on to say, "I miss you and love you very much." Yesterday I was able to spend some time with my sister. It doesn't happen often but when it does, I love it. She is one of those people I can just cuddle up to and watch tv with or in the same hour duel in a vicious game of uno. As I saw this e-card, I thought back to all the other cards she has sent me and all the text messages she sends me. I thought to myself that these times don't happen often enough. I spoke with a friend of mine tonight about priorities in relationships. This particular friend is family to me. She is a sister in Christ that I value and love so much, yet our relationship isn't nearly what I desire it to be. What I have learned in life is that family doesn't end with mom, dad and siblings. Our closest friends become our family. Family are people who love and care about you, people who will fight for you, people who have your back when you're not around or when you can't perform. Yet why do we allow ourselves to get so wrapped up in what we do that family gets pushed to the side? I am so guilty of this. Do you remember the show Family Ties? Maybe you're too young but it was a great show back in the day. In the show, family came first. Why doesn't it now? We live in such a hectic society and allow ourselves to get wrapped up in all that hectic-ness. I am convicted of the verse that says, "Do not be conformed to the patterns of this world but be transformed by the renewing of your mind in Christ Jesus." My family deserves better. If you read this Nikki... I love you too sweetie! As for my friend... If you read this, thank you for opening up my eyes. Until next time, I love you all!

Recess

My pastor spoke last week about recess. He said that life is too short to skip recess. His comments were that we make ourselves so busy that we don't slow down to enjoy life. He challenged us to protect the sabbath day that God gives us. You have to understand that God had been hitting my heart with this problem of business for a about a month. My life had become consumed with stuff. I had been running on my own strength, forsaking my first love, Jesus. That afternoon I got on a motorcycle and rode about 200 miles in the blistering cold to have my recess. I left it still feeling empty though.

The next day in staff meeting we watched this video of Wayne Cordeiro talking about his bout with burnout. He went to the extent of checking himself into a monastery to overcome this problem of business in his life. By this point, I am pulling what little hair I have left out screaming "I get it God, I'll slow down. " At this point I approach my Senior Pastor, who is more like a father to me, and I tell him that I need some time off. I explained all of what I was going through and he agreed to allow me to have the weekend off.

So I'm set, I have three days to relax and chill, three days to ask God what was going on inside of me. My plan was to get on a motorcycle and just ride. I would stop in Jersey to visit a friend but aside from that I would ride, go to the beach and talk to God. You see, for me riding and seeing large bodies of water get me to a place where my mind is clear and I feel free. It's during those times that I experience deep, intimate times with God.

So now it's wednesday. I am psyched to be able to get away in two days. I have pastor dan's blessing and stac gave me his blessing. I feel God is giving me a green light then WHAM! I get kicked in the leg by one of my students. In come the hospitals, cat scans, Oxycotin and Percocet. It's now the following wednesday. I've been out of my bed once to fill a perscription for more Percocet, which I hate by the way. The feeling it gives me is too much of a reminder of my past. Not good...

What have I learned through all of this? Percocet and Jelly Bellies don't mix! You can't enjoy the flavor of a good Jelly Belly in the drug induced haze of that evil drug. In all seriousness, I have learned some very deep lessons. From the beginning of all this I prayed that God would open my eyes and ears to teach me what I needed to be taught. As I was getting the x-rays for my leg done, I cried. I cried some for the pain but mostly because it was then that I submitted myself to what God wanted to teach me through this. I think I cried out of fear of seeing something in me that I hate. Fear of the unknown is powerful force...

One major thing I learned is that I have some amazing friends. God has blessed me so much. My first visitor(s) was a family I have been counseling. I have been working very closely with them and it has built an excellent relationship. They brought me a card and a plate of cookies. I was floored! I had another friend come by and bring me a card and some "jelly belly" jelly beans. She has been awesome in getting me out of some funks this past week. Another friend brought me lunch one day and my roommates have been very gracious in all their help. I really have an awesome group of friends. Looking back at past groups of people that I associated with makes me realize how much I've changed in how I choose and pursue friendships.

It was apparent to me that God had other plans for my time off when I was laid out like this. I feel it needed to happen though. What I am realizing is that pride crept back into me. Being laid out made me realize how unimportant I am in the scope of things. Life will go on if Randy isn't there. In my mind I think, "if I don't do this or if I'm not there..." That's when the stuff starts to pile up and I start to get so busy. Do you notice all the "I" statements. I don't think I ever left room for God in all this. It's been on Randy's strength. I must do this, I must do that, if I'm not there... SO WHAT! Am I that arrogant to think I'm that important? What a pompous nut!

Where do I turn? What do I do next? I think Stac said it best to me, "Relax and be yourself." I try so hard to put this mask on like I know everything. It overwhelms me because truth is, I don't know hardly anything. Big surprise there! I put on this mask and automatically start to rely on what I think I know and totally bypass reliance on the One who knows it all and can carry me through it. I don't think I'll ever understand why He is so patient with me. Maybe I'm not ever supposed to fully understand His Grace? Do you?

first of many, hopefully!

thanx for reading my blog. hopefully i can figure this thing out. this is a test run to see if i'm doing this right.