Loneliness

Did you ever get chastised by God? I did this morning. It's not the first time and I'm sure it won't be the last but this time it hit home for me more than most. I went out with this girl last night. She is absolutely gorgeous and has a personality that I just adore. The more I get to know her, the more I like what I see. We ended up back at my place watching a movie on the couch. I sat for hours holding this women in my arms. The feeling was foreign to me. I haven't been that close to a women in a very long time. It felt so good though. Now, before you go off and think that I am way out of pocket ("out of line" for you that don't know Ebonics) please know that nothing happened that I wouldn't want Jesus to see. My thoughts weren't impure. It was, however, one of those 1st Corinthians 10:23 times. "All things are lawful but all things are not profitable; all things are lawful, yet all things do not edify." If I sinned it was in that, I was compromising my faith and trust in Him, settling for less than what He wanted for me at the time. I won't lie to you, apart of me didn't care. That sounds so horrible, I know. I'm supposed to be the good youth worker. One friend of mine calls me a professional Christian. I represent CHRIST HIMSELF as one of the leaders of the body... Yet I am so tired of being alone and it felt so good to have someone there. I knew the flesh couldn't fulfill the deep longing desires in my heart, only God could. However, I was willing to let my guard down to have a short time of what seemed to be peace and comfort. So when God lead me to Jeremiah 17:5-10 this morning, I wasn't surprised. I wasn't looking for it, but I wasn't surprised. "Cursed is the one who trusts in man, who depends on flesh for his strength and who's heart turns away from the Lord. He will be like a bush in the wastelands; he will not see prosperity when it comes. He will dwell in the parched places of the desert, in a salt land where no one lives." Isn't that what happens though? When we seek fulfillment outside of Him we are still left thirsty and parched.

Why do I feel alone? Could it be that I negate to fill my tank with the one thing that will bring lasting fulfillment? Yeah, that's got to be it. I've mentioned it before, the fear of the unknown... I don't know what it looks like to trust Him, to let Him fill me and I'm afraid. I have always been so egotistical and prideful, trusting in my own strength and ability. What happens when you realize that is worthless? I'll tell you what happens. You end up where I am now, struggling to figure out how to let God take the reigns, still fighting 'cause you think you have some value in the 2 cents you have, when the truth is you don't and you know it!

I cried this morning as I prayed and read the rest of this verse. "Blessed is the man who puts his trust in the Lord, whose confidence is in Him. He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out it's roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; it's leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit. The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it? I the Lord search the heart and examine the mind, to reward a man according to his conduct, according to what his deeds deserve." I was in tears as I begged God to make me into this man telling Him that I didn't care what He had to do to make me like this man, just do it. What I'm realizing though is that I have some of the responsibility to allow Him to make these changes. I need to seek Him unlike I ever have before. What I'm realizing is that I'm not tired of loneliness, I'm tired of being thirsty for more of Jesus.

The truth is that every time I allow Him to be the lover of my soul, He fills me more than I can ever want and I am left with my thirst quenched. No person can ever do that! This is a tough road. Its one that I really don't want to be on, but I have to yield to God in this as much as it sucks to do that. The fire is hot, yet I trust that His desired outcome is better than anything I can ever dream. I am reminded of one of my favorite verses, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your understanding, in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight." Teach me to do this Lord.

Thank you for listening and please pray for me